Another Mother’s Day is about to come, as many mothers will tell anyone “every day is Mother’s Day!” To be truthful, due to life circumstances and an inevitable maturity that comes from self-reflection my view on motherhood has radically evolved. It has ranged from loving awe and naiveté of the experiences to come, living the frustrations and challenges of raising three children with packed social calendars and sporting activities to learning how to maneuver long distance parenting. I love my children totally and absolutely, but it wasn’t until a few years ago that I really knew I was a mother. No, I am not confused; I am a biological mother to my three children. I am emotionally linked to them totally and forever, but I was faced with that question that many parents ask themselves “what wouldn’t you do for your children?” For me it became “what wouldn’t I do to my children?” I had spent several years after my divorce becoming a financially, spiritually, and an emotionally bankrupt human being. Finally after being sick and tired of being sick and tired I packed my bag, just one bag, and left.
Gradually, I realized that the sense of me as mother had been completely turned upside down. Without the daily distractions of the daily grind of family life who was I? I could barely afford my children, I was questioning God’s purpose for me and I was so mired in my own self-pity I could barely attend to my children’s emotional needs. One day as I was lying in my bed with all three of my children piled in, the realization hit me that I was trying to be everyone else’s idea of mother and failing miserably at it. I realized that living this lie was robbing me of knowing myself and robbing my children of having the mother that they deserved to know. I asked myself two questions 1.” Lina, are you willing to continue to expose your children to the lie you are living?” No! 2. “Lina, do you have the courage to redefine yourself so that you could recognize yourself as mother?” Yes! That was the worst and the best day of my life. I had openly admitted to myself that I needed to know myself in order to stop robbing my children of having the mother that I was supposed to be for them. However, I had to physically (I was already absent emotionally) leave my children to do it. Did I deserve this, absolutely! Did my children deserve this? Without a doubt! With that admission, I sold all of my possessions, leaving me with three changes of clothes and a suitcase of baby pictures and memories. I bought a one-way ticket back to New York, back to knowing myself and back to becoming a mother.
Lina E. Krakue, Chief Operating Officer of Kid’s Night Out Parent’s Night Off, wrote this blog! With 13 years of relevant and effective classroom experience she knows what is appropriate.
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